Must Fill by 5PM

Slide22

Play 17, Day 17 – MUST FILL BY 5PM

LIGHTS UP on a cubicle, where BETTY is at work.
After a moment, her BOSS enters and approaches.

BOSS:
Betty, your just not working out.

BETTY:
What?

BOSS:
Don’t get me wrong. You’re one of our best engineers. We couldn’t be happier with you in your work role. But it’s come down from higher up: You’re just not working out in the total life role of Betty. You’re underperforming.

BETTY:
What?

BOSS:
We’re going in a different direction. I’m sorry. The decision has already been made.

He hands her a box, marked “BETTY BASURA.”

Take no personal objects. That’s it. Good day to you.

BETTY1 leaves, confused. BETTY2 steps in and
sits in BETTY1’s place, presenting her resume.

Hello. You’re here to apply for the position of Betty?

BETTY2:
Yes, hello, I’m Betty.

BOSS:
Splendid. I can see, you certainly have the resume. Now then, where do you see yourself in five years?

BETTY2:
Um…

BOSS:
Betty?

BETTY2:
Oh, I’ve got this one! I see myself having moved from Project Manager to Program Manager—

BOSS:
No, no.

BETTY2:
I’m sorry.

BOSS:
No need to be. Just be yourself.

BETTY2:
Oh good.

BOSS:
More yourself. Go and come back. Next!

BETTY2 exits, replaced by BETTY3.

BETTY3:
I’m… I’m Betty.

BOSS:
You don’t sound too sure. You sound like you doubt yourself. Are you Betty, or aren’t you?

BETTY3:
I am!

BOSS:
Very good. Now, I see here by your resume that you attended… er, Barnes College.

BETTY3:
I did.

BOSS:
Instead of Princeton, like you’d planned.

BETTY3:
Well, I— I—

BOSS:
You what?

BETTY3:
I learned a lot at Barnes.

BOSS:
Wait outside.

A new BETTY4 takes BETTY3’s place.

BETTY4:
Hi! Hey, we both went to Princeton!

BOSS:
Hey, that and a dollar will buy you cheap beer at Tiger Pub Taco Tuesdays.

BOSS and BETTY4 share a hearty laugh over
Princeton hi-jinks, and then move on to business.

BOSS:
So, your resume says “problem solver.” Betty, give me an example of a problem you’ve solved.

BETTY4:
Well, I think I’ve worked out this whole thing between Betty 1 and Betty 2.

BOSS:
That could save Betty a lot of duplication of energy. How would you do it?

BETTY4:
Oh, no. You think I’m just going to share it with you like that, before we’ve even discussed salary? No sir. I’ll need a contract. Otherwise, you’ll just take my information and fire me on some pretext and hire some little bitch who went to Barnes College and will do it cheaper.

Even as she began speaking, she got up to be escorted out,
but nevertheless shakes him off.

Get off of me!

BETTY2 re-enters.

BETTY2:
Wow, second interview! I made the next cut!

BOSS:
So, listen, we’re looking for something like a more total commitment to being Betty.

BETTY2:
Okay.

BOSS:
But that means balance.

BETTY2:
Alright.

BOSS:
The Betty we had, got bogged down in the details. We’re looking for a broader view.

BETTY2:
I think I see what you mean. The Program Manager Position has been filled.

BETTY1 bursts in on BETTY2 and BOSS.

BETTY1:
I want my old job back!

BOSS:
What are you doing here? You’ve been barred from the building.

BETTY1:
I was having some personal issues, but I’ve addressed those and it’s taken care of now! I get it! Just give me my old job back and you’ll have no further trouble from me.

BOSS:
Security!

BETTY1 brushes him off, shouting imprecations.

BETTY1:
Get of me! You want a piece of me? Huh?

BETTY2: (calling to BETTY1)
You get more bees with honey!

BOSS: (to BETTY2)
Wait outside.

BETTY2 leaves. BETTY 3 re-enters.

BETTY3:
Lemme tell you, if I didn’t learn a lot at Barnes, I sure learned a lot just sitting there waiting.

BOSS:
What do you mean?

BETTY3:
Well, no offense, but you seem to be interviewing people like you don’t know what you want.

BOSS:
Explain yourself.

ALL BETTYs converge on BOSS.

BETTY3:
Well, you call in such a broad swathe of possibilities. I don’t know whether my competition is
the ball-busting business bitch or the total tool, or the shy retiring me behind any and all of that. I think I’m pretty good at being Betty. It’s not easy. There are a lot of things to juggle. But, for what you’re prepared to shell-out, I’m the best Betty you can get.

BETTY2:
Yeah, except for the “tool” part.

BETTY1:
Even I can agree to that.

BETTY4:
I thought “ball busting” was a bit much, but…

BOSS:
Very good. Then we’ll have no further need for interviews. The position is filled. Thank you!
Now, back to work, all of you!

BOSS looks down at his work. BETTYs look at each other,
trying to figure out what they should do. BETTY4 tells BETTY 2
to get him some envelopes, which he puts his hand out for
just as BETTY2 brings them. BETTY3 brainstorms with
blackboard. BETTY1 sighs deeply, and goes back to her work.

BLACKOUT. END OF PLAY.

 

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