Argos at the Vet

PLAY 20, DAY 20 – ARGOS AT THE VET

MAN sits with his CAT in a Vet’s Office.
OLD WOMAN sits next to BIRD.
WOMAN with DOG enters.

CAT:
Oh, brother.

BIRD:
Oh brother, of brother!

DOG:
(to CAT:) Hiya! (To CAT and OWEN) Hiya, Hiya! (at BIRD& OLD WOMAN) Hiya!

BIRD:
Hiya!

CAT:
Hello.

OLD WOMAN:
Oh my!

OWEN:
It’s alright, Queenie.

DOG:
What are you here for?

CAT:
Don’t get personal. You won’t be able to handle it.

DOG:
I got my tail caught in the garage door.

CAT:
Great!

DOG:
You?

CAT:
I have an intestinal sensitivity, okay?

DOG:
I get those. You gotta what what you eat. Cut down on obvious non-consumables.

CAT:
Yes.

DOG:
Dust bunnies, for example. Real bad for you.

CAT:
Yes.

BIRD:
I’ve got intestinal parasites!

(beat)

DOG:
Is that your man?

CAT:
He is.

DOG:
I thought maybe you were with the old lady.

CAT:
The bird is hers.

DOG:
Oh. ‘Cause a lot of cats got them an old lady.

CAT:
As I said—

DOG:
Sometimes twelve or more cats to a single old lady.

CAT:
She belongs to the bird.

DOG:
Sometimes even two old ladies and one cat. That’s cool.

CAT:
No, just the one guy, I’m with.

DOG:
He seems nice.

CAT:
He is nice.

DOG:
Lose the bow-tie. It looks like a toy. It makes me want to go for his throat.

CAT:
Don’t you dare. I’d have your eyes out so fast.

MAN:
Hey, boy. Whacha lookin’ at? Huh? Watcha lookin’ at? What’sa boy’s name?

DOG:
// Argos! //

WOMAN:
// That’s Argos. // Down, boy! //

CAT:
// Down boy! //

DOG:
Queenie. That’s a nice name.

WOMAN:
You’re cat, he’s very calm.

MAN:
She. Seething. She hides it well.

CAT:
No, I don’t.

MAN:
Shhhh…

WOMAN:
What’s her name?

CAT: (to MAN)
Can’t she hear? You called me Queenie.

DOG:
Intestinal, huh. That’s rough. That can be rough.

MAN: Queenie.

CAT:
Yes.

WOMAN:
She doesn’t like being in a box, does she?

CAT:
No.

MAN:
No.

DOG:
I hate those things, man! I mean, I hates those things, dawg. Being kept all boxed up like that.

CAT:
It’s better than the leash she keeps you on.

DOG:
Hey, this? That’s mostly for show. Only sometimes, I get excited and she has to reign me in.

CAT:
Yes.

MAN:
He looks plenty healthy, what’s up?

DOG:
I got my tail caught in the garage door

WOMAN:
He got his tail caught in the garage door. You should have heard him yelp.

MAN:
Poor boy!

CAT:
I love it.

DOG:
Actually, it wasn’t entirely an accident.

CAT:
No?

WOMAN:
He was upset. My boyfriend and I were having an argument.

DOG:
He was just leaving. Good riddance, jerk. She’s great, but really bad judgment about men.

WOMAN:
I started to go out to close the garage door on him and he tried to— Anyway, Argos got upset,
and confused, and I heard him yelp.

MAN:
My Queenie’s got a upset stomach. We’re getting test results.

DOG looks at cat.

DOG:
He doesn’t know?

CAT:
No. Not yet.

DOG:
There’re not really with it, are they?

CAT:
No, there’re not.

BIRD:
Not.

BLACKOUT.  END OF PLAY.

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